Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
