The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
