You smell like stripper and shame
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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