everyone is single if you try hard enough
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
