I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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