I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
We smell like vodka and hangover
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