Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
