Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
