How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
our cab driver is having phone sex.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
not ubering you a puppy
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
