Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
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