If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
