my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
