By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
