Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
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