Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
