last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
