he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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