Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
