bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
