so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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