I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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