I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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