Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
