Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
