I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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