I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Randomize
