is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
This beer is not sobering me up at all
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
