I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
