No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
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