Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
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