Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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