i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
