you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
