i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
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