I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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