it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
