I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
