Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
