I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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