I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
