1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
