Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
