You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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