i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I'm passing your future prison.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
