I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
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