The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
a search helicopter?!
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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