just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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