It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
But I just had this pork p�t�. It was dick grabbing.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize
