hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
