its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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