that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Do you remember whose house we're in?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Randomize
