made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
