Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
