My sheets look like a crime scene.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
A bitchslap is in order.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
