how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
