Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
